Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in crisisamoron's LiveJournal:

Friday, July 2nd, 2004
8:00 pm	Paul Newman can't fucking lose man Cat On a Hot Tin Roof makes me want to trash everything i wrote since i been home. it says everything you need to know about life in like an hour and a half. that Tennessee Williams, he knew man, he knew. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 10th, 2004
7:41 pm	get on with my lonely life will i ever stop feeling so tired all the time but not sleeping. i spend half the day worrying whether or not i will make REM come 2am. i talk to the old flame and it goes practically nowhere. makes the day go slower. here i am right back where i started. i just stare out the windows of moving cars and sing along to the cd's that my best friends play loudly as we drive up and down the highway on our way to our daily plans. makes the day go faster. drinking doesn't do the same magic tricks in my belly as a few years ago, neither does the smoke. still try it out though. nothing makes the sleep come any quicker. just keep singing along the highway stretch...laughing about mike and his balls. maybe it isn't all that bad to backtrack now and again. with all those long drives and all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 7th, 2004
5:37 pm	i don't have you with me but i keep a good attitude the days are made up, marked by, and lived through in-between bouts in the bathtub. add up all the time i have spent with my knees tucked up to my chest and my arms locked around them, a tight pale little ball of sickly meat under hot water, and it makes up the best part of the day. the worst is the hours of watching the sun go down then come up again without sleeping a wink in between. a couple weeks ago a friend of a friend who was said to know told me, "get used to that, it's gonna take a while to get back to sleeping normally." everyday is atleast twenty hours long. i'm awake for 85% of the week. you stay up that much and life starts to seem really gratuitous. it's too much fucking time. i can't get through to the right people when i get on the phone. you look in the mirror before stepping into the third shower of the afternoon and you start to see what everyone is tallking about when they describe the change in your appearence. immaciated, thin and sunken in. you get congratulated when you tell about the past two weeks. people say they've heard about that, and they are impressed. everyone seems to commend you for just staying alive, continuing to breathe and to eat. as if i could do otherwise, even if i wanted to. shrug it off and count another day closer to normality. another hot shower. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 31st, 2004
9:19 pm	i came here with a load and it feels so much lighter.. i am nothing without my friends and my family. i've put words down before and stylized and made the prose swing a bit because i wanted to sound a bit more sincere than i truly was at heart. this is too honest to sauce up and needs a forum far larger than the few of you who will see this but even so..please be informed: i am dogshit. i made no accomplishments in my life, especially in the past week. it was all you. you did it, not me..give micheal and alex and good god james and emily a huge pat on the back and a kiss on the cheek. you are far more than i deserve and i am indebted to you guys forever. you saved my life. hooray for you! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
2:48 pm	paying the cost to be the Boss bruce Springsteen is fucking awesome. in all the ttime i was living here i never once went to new Jersey, probably better off not. i saw the cardigans a few weekends ago and they closed their encore with a cover of Downboand Train and it was fantastic. My friend Kristin had a tatoo on her wrist.."you can't start a fire without a spark.." at first i laughed, then i listened to what that fucking song was about...changed forever. you know that move that Dennis pulls where you set a record to play and abandone the DJ booth promptly after it starts playing to join the crowd in jumping up and down? that is me tonight, the song... "this gun's for hire, even if we're just..." (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 21st, 2004
11:25 am	This is how it goes.. So i begin to explain what i have been feeling to a friend and end up sobbing for half an hour, stopping at intervals to try and get it together and failing. What can i do, what is it that you really need? she wants to know...wants to help. to my own surprise i say that all i want in the world is to go home. like anyone in a situation of serious distress, i was calling for my mother. twenty three years old and crying for mom. no shame. it is honest and pure and nothing like what i have done with myself the past six months. my brother, two years my junior and novice drug fiend has promised to come by some xanax for me to pass out on while i am having withdrawel sickness, some other makeshift medication is also being negotiated by other friends. hiopefully i can knock myself unconcious for most of the process, the hours i have spent waiting for a hit, mere hours mind you and not even full fledged withdrawel, were impossible. fucking impossible. i'll have cable tv and movie channels. i'll have soft drugs. i'll have the will of lions. i won't have a choice really... fuck man, anyone need a DJ? i spin in Williamsburg for Chrissake! that's all the cred a man needs! that's like the Harvard school of indie right there. someone find me some work.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
2:24 pm	nothing but dead air and time yesterday i finished off the last of some dope i didn't even pay for yet. i owe a drug dealer. two years ago the thought would have sent me weeping. two years ago i drank everynight and waited for friday so we could go to Miami and dance around trying to impress girls. then we got to know them, we got bored, i moved away. everyone i used to know, all my old friends know. they heard from sources closer to me that i was hooked. i came back from Christmas break and somehow neglected to ever stop. i put a needle into my arm everyday for six months and now all of a sudden i am sorry about it. coincidentely i have onlyu recently run out of money and friends to borrow some from. that's why i had to owe a dealer. if i can, tonight i will call another one and see if i can owe him. the only prospects for money i have is this dj gig i have this weekend which i have yet to pass out a flyer for or tell anyone about. if no one comes and i make next to nothing than i have no idea how i will pay these guys off. this is how you think. anything is better than trying to come off, which i have been telling people i was in the middle of doing for the past two months. "yeah i am tapering, i hardly even use anymore.." in reality i have only cut down enough to stop throwing up all the time. for some reason i would shoot up a few bags, about 30 dollars worth, in a few hours and that would make me nausous, if i ate, i threw up. sometimes when i didn't eat i just gagged or coughed up stomache acid. i wake up literally histarical most nights. crying and screaming to people i can't remember when i wake up. this never happenned to me before. wheni go to the bathroom, which is an event that takes place maybe three times a month at most, i bleed and it hurts extremely and takes nearly an hour of agressive pushing. i was trying to come clean, to get through sickness and wait it out so i could go home., i have a ticket for the 15th of June and i really don't need to work anymore, they all know. i was sat down by my boss and questioned. there were rumors. maybe someone saw my arms. i still wasn't fired, amazingly. i was taken off the schedule save for a few days a week and told not to use at work, which i said i hadn't , which was a lie. heroin is nothing like trainspotting. (3 Comments |Comment on this)